Hats off to her!

How would you describe your best friend?, loving, trustworthy, helpful?

my best friend is all of them x100, ive known her since year 5 (2006) I mean what says friendship better than to primary schools palling up for a math day! I saw her sitting there with her natural resting bitch face on and i thought “yep i need to be her friend she needs a smile!” we parnted up and we had the best day we was joint to each other! we drifted apart for a year before we met again at secondary school, we didn’t really get close till about year 8-9 we just had this friendship that id never had before, I didnt feel like I had to impress her, or do things to make her like me, we just clicked, and from that moment on we never left each others side, I felt so lucky to have her, she actually wanted me to stay over and go hang out, I remember the first time I stayed over, her mum took us to maccie ds for breakfast, i met her brother and we was just so cute for a cheeky 11-year-old! we went back to hers and i met her older sister and she was just so funny and intelligent!.

Years went by and we grew closer and closer, joint at the hip, her mum was mine and mine was her, people didn’t have to ask if we was together because they already knew that if one was invited out the other would follow, we walked to school together and back, there’s so much we did together and we have our secrets… we also had our arguments and disagreements, we had our first and only fight at 15, just because we well I was being a dick!, we didnt talk to each other for a week but we got over it.

we have shared so much together, she was there with my first breakup, we got our G.C.S.E results together, we went though her hip operations together I never wanted to leave her side, we didn’t go to prom together if i remember we ate dominos insted!, her and her family took me in when i left home and i lived with them, she was there all though my hostel days, and there when me and my ex would fight, she was the first person i told that i was in a domestic violence relationship, they first person i told about my anxiety, the countless amounts of times she came to mine just because i couldn’t sleep or i just needed a hug.

She has been there by my side though thick and thin, the very hard times and we have created the most amazing memoeries

So with that i say, hats off to her!

I want to thank her family, Sarah, Vikki and Johnny, for everything you done, all the advise, and putting up with me for 12 whole years!

I love you Nicole

ill stop doing it when you stop laughing.





My anxiety gremlin

My anxiety gremlin, he’d creep up on me almost everyday, something will be going perfect and there he is telling me to over think what my boss said, to ask my boyfriend if he really loves me or to question my best friends friendship of 12 years, he’d grind on me and make me feel small and worthless.

Anxiety affects lots of people and it affects them differently, I know a lot of people who are having a bad day, or have felt down for a while look up their feelings and go to the doctor, explain how they feel and the easiest thing to be diagnosed with is anxiety, or “stress” as I’ve been told by doctors many times though the years. Anxiety is so much more then being stressed and worried, it’s that feeling that you can’t escape no matter how hard you tell yourself in the morning to ignore it. It’s the tight chest, stomach turning feeling you get when your boss says we need to have a chat it’s that overwhelming feeling you get when something is going so good your just waiting for the bad.

I can’t quite pin point where mine came from, from when I was 16 I lived in a youth hostel, and day in day out there would be lots of different people in and out, I met a boy, I knew him from before but nothing ever come of us, we starting going out and because we knew each other things happened really quickly, one day he raised a hand to me and that was the day I lost myself, and for 3 years it continued. I tend to put my anxiety down to how small he made me feel, to him telling me what I could and couldn’t wear and who I could and couldn’t see, I eventually found myself staying in my room not even finding it able to go round the corner to do my food shopping, (I’d do an online food shop) I would only interact with the girls in my flat, but not any boys, I felt like my teenage years where stripped from me, I felt lost. I would get a sick feeling as we came in my flat door, I got heart palpitations when someone said his name, I was trapped by him and anxiety. I went to the doctors and they gave me pills and offered me counselling but I didn’t want that and the pills worked for a while but then I stopped going back to get them. I lived like this for a while and it got worse when we got our own place.I eventually left him, and my life started to get better but my anxiety gremlin was still there. I started a new job and that was hard at the beginning but then working seamed to take my mind of things, I realised there where good people In this world and I made a lot of friends witch made me think less about my gremlin. He was still there sometimes getting me to ask stupid questions and making me worry and overthink something someone had said, making me stay up all night thinking how I could have worded something better in 2008 but he slowly started to fade. I worked so hard to get where I am now, and I have all the people in my life now to thank for that! All the people who have stuck by me no matter what I said or did. And I love you all.

My anxiety gremlin, he creeps up on me from time to time, getting me worried about flying or going on a boat, telling me to ask stupid questions and making me overthink but I ignore him, and I keep my mind busy and I’ve accepted him as he’s a part of who I am.